Week Ninety-Six: Self-Awareness Without Judgment

I’m reading a book at the moment that has lots of lovely reminders in it. The name of the book is “If the Buddha Married”, by Charlotte Kasl. It’s a book for couples, and I now use it as a reference for couples who come to me for therapy. In one chapter, entitled “Ask Yourself, ‘Am I talking About Myself?’”, Dr. Kasl says the following: “Most people want to be less judgmental.” I agree with her, and have found in my own journey, and that with clients and workshop participants, that most of us have a yearning to be accepted and to accept others with greater ease and openness.

As a way to practice getting out of the habit of falling into judgment, Dr. Kasl suggests the following (reflecting only part of the chapter she’s written on the subject, which is especially focused on helping couples move out of judgment of one another). Whenever you find yourself judging someone, or being critical of them, ask yourself, “Am I talking about myself?” This is a really good question! At the very least, it gives you an opportunity to take a moment and become conscious of what you’re doing. At most, it affords an opportunity to drop into an awareness of an area that may be charged for you, something you may not have realized. Often, the very things we can’t tolerate in others are the very qualities we disown in ourselves. This is the realm of the “shadow”, of the aspects of our own personalities that we were shown were unacceptable or sources of rejection and criticism when we were young. Once you’ve opened yourself to the possibility that you are seeing yourself in the person you criticize, you also open up an opportunity to increase self-awareness and compassion for yourself and others. Consistently, it’s been my experience that, when we’re comfortable in ourselves – and feel solid and empowered – we don’t judge others.

For this week’s experiment, allow yourself to use the question, “Am I talking about myself,” anytime you find yourself criticizing or judging someone else. And, when you ask this question, be sure to do so with an open heart, with a gentle recognition of your own inevitable imperfections. We all criticize and judge in ways we don’t even recognize, and when we wonder if we are actually seeing ourselves in others we create a powerful practice. The best way I know to lessen a tendency to criticize and judge is to constantly bring awareness to the process, to recognize that judgment separates, no matter how subtle it may be.

As always, let this be a gentle process, partnered with a healthy curiosity about how much more empowered you can feel when you are free from the burden of judgment.

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