Week Ninety-Five: Overcoming Small Fears

I recently visited the home of friends – a new house they’ve only lived in for a couple of weeks. They live with a four-legged friend they describe as “laughter disguised as a dog.” She is a canine with a real sense of humor, and teaches all humans who meet her new games and interactions that generate delight. Fun is never far away when she’s in the room. One of her favorite activities is to run full force across the room and leap into someone’s lap with a great flourish. She’s a small dog, so she can be certain of a welcome reception, whichever lap she may choose as her landing place.

A wrinkle has entered her freedom to have fun, however. In her new home, this four-legged fur-face has encountered a fear that gets in the way of merry-making. She’s afraid to come down the wood stairs that lead from the second to the main floor of her new house. She does fine on carpeted stairs on the top floor, but when she comes to the wood stairs, she stops cold. She goes up but then can’t come down. Even with encouragement and the promise of more fun, she remains stuck at the top of the wood stairs. Coaxing has yet to entice her to take the chance to try and see what happens.

As I watched the dog’s dilemma, I marveled at the power of fear to get in the way of living our lives as fully as we can. It got me to thinking about how powerful it is to overcome even small fears. For example, I have a friend who used to be afraid of bees. Anywhere she would go, she would be tense and concerned if there were bees in the vicinity. This wasn’t a life-shattering fear, but it did create discomfort and some holding back for her. Over time, she shifted away from the fear by talking to herself differently about bees, reassuring herself that they didn’t really want to sting her unless they felt threatened. Did it change her life to change this fear? Not really. But, it did give her an opportunity to discover that she could become more comfortable in the face of an old fear than she ever imagined possible. And, letting go of that fear helped her to know that she could let go of others.

For this week’s experiment, allow yourself two steps. First, take a moment to review the places where you hold yourself back because of some concern, doubt, or fear you may have. Then, explore ways you might begin to overcome the fears you identify. Think first in terms of small steps. For example, you might become aware of the kind of thoughts that feed your fear and then develop reassuring thoughts that realistically respond to that particular fear. There’s a book that can be helpful in your journey. It’s an old one – a classic called “Feeling Good,” by David Burns. It offers cognitive therapy approaches to changing fearful or anxious thinking. There are other ways to help yourself confront and overcome fears, including the great gift that comes when you stay focused in the present moment. Being in the present moment is probably the biggest thing you can do immediately to shift your response to fear. Many fears have to do with something that might happen in the future, and catching yourself off in the as-yet-to-be-realized future can be an important step in beginning to shift into greater comfort.

As with all experiments, treat yourself gently with this one. It’s all by way of getting to know yourself better, to know how you move through your world. The journey is gentler when you avoid judging yourself and remember to invite curiosity as your primary companion along the way.

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