Having just gotten home from a week out of town at a training, I’m looking at piles of paper and things to be done, along with my usual, busy schedule.  Having been away from home brings me even more directly into an experience of mixed feelings.  For example, I’m looking forward to a creative and active year while, at the same time, I have feelings about not wanting to be away from home or being quite so busy.  Both are true parts of my experience – I’m delighted to be busy doing things I love to do, even as I sometimes feel *too* busy and want to just hang out. 

In reality, there’s no need for me to engage either side of these mixed feelings if I don’t want to.  They’re simply part of what is true at this point in my life.  If the feelings about not wanting to be so busy become stronger than the enjoyment of what I’m doing, an opportunity opens up to make some new choices.  In the meantime, they just are what they are and there’s no need for me to make either feeling go away or do anything in particular about them.

This got me to thinking about the inevitable flow of the mixed bag that is our normal, everyday life experience and that our quality of life can be affected by how we deal with our mixed feelings.  Do we let them just be what they are when we don’t feel pulled particularly strongly in one direction or another, or do we allow them to show us when we need to make some new decisions?  As part of our explorations of living consciously, I invite you to explore more deeply how you relate to the inevitability of the mixed bag of internal responses that is inherent in everyday experience.

For some people, mixed feelings weren’t possible when growing up.  Perhaps the adults in the family saw things as either right or wrong, good or bad, and there wasn’t the luxury to have a little of this feeling and a little of that.  Or, sometimes children have such overwhelming and difficult challenges that they can’t afford to experience mixed feelings – it would be too complicated or distressing, for example, to know that you love someone who might frighten or hurt you.  If you had this kind of experience, and find yourself uncomfortable with even the thought of mixed feelings, then just notice that.  There’s no need to arm-wrestle yourself into accepting or liking mixed feelings.  They are just part of being on the planet, and this experiment might offer an opportunity simply to notice that you haven’t yet had the chance to develop a comfortable relationship with them.

And so, for this week’s experiment, begin by noticing, first, your automatic responses you have about the experiences unfolding in the present moment.  Each moment offers a choice point, an opportunity to emphasize the unique gift the moment brings, or the ways in which the moment may burden you – or to notice both at the same time.  Since there is a probability that many of life’s experiences will bring along mixed feelings, simply becoming more aware of their presence can be a powerful step along the way in this experiment.  Next, explore whether it’s okay to sit in the place where you don’t have to resolve any mixed feelings you may discover, but instead just notice and accept them, allowing them to inform you and eventually guide your choices.  Sometimes, deeply mixed feelings lead us to do nothing – to just stay with them and see what happens (which may mean they resolve themselves spontaneously) – and that is a perfectly valid choice, as well.

This week’s experiment is really just one more invitation to practice mindfulness – to notice the thoughts, reactions, feelings, and impulses that move through your experience as you engage your daily life.  Remember that being mindful opens up choices – even when what has that feeling of “rightness” about it is just to hang out and see what happens next.  It’s in our moment-to-moment choices that we actively shape the quality of our lived experience.  And, as in any muscle-building activity, with practice it gets easier to acknowledge and live with mixed feelings.