I’m reading a book called, “The Lost Art of Compassion”, by Lorne Ladner, and am in the midst of a chapter called “Loving Communication.”  It’s about speaking mindfully, about only saying things that are “true, correct, and beneficial” and, at the same time, *not* saying things, even when true, that might cause harm to another.  I remember hearing something similar from a friend a number of years ago, except her list included the word “kind”.   As I read, I thought about how often most of us speak without taking the time to be aware of the potential impact of our words, tone of voice, or body language.

As a psychotherapist, I spend the day being aware of what I’m going to say to people, and how I’m going to say it, and this developed skill sometimes translates into how I speak in my personal relationships.  I wish I could say that it translates reliably, all the time, but it doesn’t.  Because of that fact, Ladner’s words about loving communication reminded me of how challenging it is to notice and use speaking as an agent of compassion when we’re in the midst of our daily lives and on autopilot.

For this week’s experiment, I invite you to be aware of your speech, of your tone of voice, of the body language and nonverbal communication you use with those who are close to you.  Unfortunately, it’s usually with our loved ones that we communicate in automatic and unconscious ways.  We’re often more careful with people we don’t know or people we want to impress and sometimes forget that kindness to those close to us is a great gift and an important priority.  As Ladner points out in his book, the random moments of unkindness add up and inevitably erode intimacy and the foundation of relationships.

As you play with this experiment, be sure to bring along a sense of curiosity and, most importantly, a willingness to let go of self-judgment and self-criticism.  The goal here isn’t to get down on yourself, or to catch yourself doing things wrong.  The goal is to become aware of the potential impact of your words and nonverbal communications *before* you put them out into the world.  I know, from my experience as a therapist, that it’s possible to edit words even as I begin to speak.  It’s never to late to stop what you’re saying and begin again, or to stop and honestly say that this isn’t a time you want to talk about whatever the subject may be. 

Notice what happens when you remember to communicate from an underlying quality of kindness, even when you’re angry.  Kindness reminds us that we ultimately want to stay connected, that our goal is to communicate something to another person that we need them to hear and understand.  All too often, when we go on autopilot, our goal is to hurt the other person, and that’s the kind of communication that erodes closeness over time.

As with all experiments, allow yourself to use this one to develop awareness without judgment.  It’s an invitation to notice, that’s all.  And, remember – each moment we’re able to notice is a moment when there’s a greater possibility for choice.  To be able to choose to stop, keep going, or change what we’re doing in some other way, is a great gift – and one that never wears out because each and every moment brings its own awareness and brand new opportunities for new choices.